Joie’s Newsletter #4
Dealing with Feeling: What College Admissions Taught Me about Emotions (and Vice Versa)
A few weeks ago, I stood at a book party in New York for my longtime friend and teacher, Dr. Marc Brackett. Marc, as many of you know, is the prominent professor and psychologist who founded the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. His mission is to change the way we think about emotional intelligence and especially how we teach this topic in schools. Marc’s new book, Dealing with Feeling, is even more ambitious than his best-selling first book, Permission to Feel. It doesn’t just invite us to name our emotions; it instructs us to learn how to use them.
As Marc spoke, I found myself reflecting on my own work in college admissions. Anyone who has lived through this process with a teenager knows: admissions is an emotional crucible.
Students are told to present their most “authentic selves” while also told that they need to master an opaque system. Parents, many of whom are brilliant and accomplished in their own right, often feel helpless when interacting with a system that seems infinitely more complex than the one they navigated in high school. The result? Stress, anxiety, defensiveness, even despair.
And yet, within that swirl of feelings lies tremendous opportunities for growth.
Emotions as Data, Not Distractions
Marc’s central argument is deceptively simple: emotions are not the enemy; they are data. When we ignore or suppress them, we lose access to information that can help us make better choices.
I see this every day in my work. A student who lashes out in frustration over a bad grade is rarely upset over not mastering the difficult material. They are afraid—afraid of not measuring up, of being judged. Once we name that fear (and make room for the truth: one bad grade or bad teacher does not define any of us), the energy changes. Learning can shift from a chore to a challenge, revealing the resilience they didn’t realize they had.
Parents, too, bring emotions into the room—often this shows up in questions about strategy. “Are we doing enough? Are we behind? Should she take another AP?” Underneath is love. And fear. Love that wants to open every door for their children. Fear that, in a world of shrinking acceptance rates, doors are already closing. Naming that fear—and redirecting it—transforms the conversation from control to support.
RULER in Action
Marc’s framework, RULER, is about Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions. I think about how powerful this is in admissions:
Recognizing: Students see that the tightness in their chest before an interview isn’t doom. It’s nerves.
Understanding: They connect that nervousness to their desire to be seen and valued, especially when they have worked hard to achieve an outcome.
Labeling: They learn to call it “anticipation” rather than “panic.”
Expressing: They share it honestly with an adult instead of bottling it up.
Regulating: They develop strategies that turn anxiety into focus. Reframing this feeling as being locked in often helps. What started out as a negative emotional experience can even motivate them to prepare more thoughtfully so that they do a better job in the end.
Our work with students reminds us daily that emotions are not nuisances or obstacles. They are raw data. And when students learn to listen to their emotions and shape their experiences with honesty and courage, the result is not just an acceptance letter. It’s a young person who knows themselves and understands how to live (and even lead) with resilience.
That, to me, is the real win.
Education expert, founder, author of “B+ Grades, A+ College Application.”
